Story on Toxic Relationships
City: Los Angeles
My biggest monster is my self-doubt.
My biggest monster is my self-doubt. All the people around me and my experiences should allow me to believe I can do anything, but there’s still a voice in my head telling me otherwise. Telling me it's only a matter of time before the other shoe drops, that I need validation of others before I can proceed, that I'll always fall short of reaching my true purpose.
I can't place my finger on when this self-doubt creeped in. It seems entirely self-imposed, like a malignant tumor I've been feeding all these years. Even if this is a monster of my own making, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when I continue to listen when it says "you're not good enough." Last week, wanting to break this cycle and rid myself of this monster once and for all, I wrote down all the things the voice inside my head was saying to me:
"Look how far along that person is on their journey. What have you been doing all of these years?"
"This always happens. Don't you ever learn?"
"You're just floating around aimlessly. Why can't you ever just fucking focus?"
"It's such a shame. You had all the tools set up for success. All the role models rooting for you and supporting you. And you totally blew it."
And the list goes on. I read it back to myself and started crying. Crying at how much of a bully I've been to myself when I would never talk this way to another person.
It was also cathartic. As soon as I brought this monster into broad daylight, it lost its power. Now, when feelings of self-doubt creep in, I pause and say "This is the monster speaking, this isn't representative of me at all." It's still a work in progress, but the more I “challenge” the monster, the more I surprise myself with what my true self (sans monster) is actually capable of.