Story on Toxic Relationships

City: Los Angeles

Industry: Tech

I stayed because the highs were so high.

I was in a one-year relationship where, by month one, we couldn't go a week without fighting. And I'm not talking disagreements where you hold hands and work to understand each other and ultimately grow. I'm talking about breakups and slamming doors. I'm talking about being told "I hate you," then two days later, "I love you.”

Throughout this, I was told my boobs weren't perky enough. That I think I'm prettier and smarter than I am, and my extroverted nature is slutty. Writing this down is embarrassing. Why would I stay with someone who made me feel so small? Well, I was 23 and I stayed because the highs were really high. Walks through Venice, where we crafted stories together, or noticed a possum balancing on a telephone wire and talked about the colors we saw radiating from it.

It was the first time I had been with someone creative and it was more intoxicating than anything I had experienced before. He showed me magic and pushed my imagination further than it had gone before. But he also made me believe I couldn't find it without him, so I chose to believe our toxic relationship would get better. He always said that once I worked less (at the time I worked 14-hour days, 7 days a week and didn't sleep much) and he had a more lucrative career (he was trying to make it as a director) things would be better. But that wasn't our reality and things got worse.

Eventually statements were said that made it easy for both of us to say goodbye forever. We stopped talking, but my creativity kept transforming inside of me and I found new magic that I would never have been able to find with him.

I have no hard feelings toward him or myself for our toxic relationship. It was an experience that helped me form an even closer relationship with myself. I guess sometimes we need to break in order to create a new and better version of self.