Story on Failure
City: Los Angeles
I felt I needed to stay in this toxic environment because that’s what I was “supposed” to do.
“If you don't change, you're going to get stuck that way," Miriam said to me as I sat up, bleary eyed after she’d worked on my stiff jaw. I thought my physical therapist was referencing my body, stiff from sitting at a desk all day. She was referring to how I chose to let my life happen to me.
Just a couple days earlier, I allowed my mind to drift for a few moments at work, which I typically didn't let myself do. We weren't viewed as "working" if we weren't heads down at our desks.
"I'll just stick with this path for a few more years – ride this out," I had said to myself. I felt I needed to stay in this toxic environment because that's what I was "supposed" to do: get a job at a "good" company, have a "stable" life. A life of corporate hierarchy games, gossip, staring at a screen repeating the same task with no indicator if what I was doing actually helped anyone.
"Maybe I'll quit my job today" was the weekly message I sent my BFF as I walked into work. But into work I'd go, like someone else was living my life and I was just watching.
I couldn't believe I failed myself by believing this was how life should be. As a child, I was always the weird kid operating on my own wavelength. How could I have thrust myself into a corporate job and betray what I knew I was capable of? It felt like I’d cut off my most vital limb to fit into the life I thought I should have. So, I dove into self-care. I brought out the big guns with energy healers, workshops, therapy... Over time, I found my voice again.
I am grateful for failing myself – for allowing myself to be in a toxic job and wander away from my intuition – because I ended up experiencing and finding myself in a way I never thought I could. And this new me is pretty cool.
Oh, and I definitely quit that job :)